What does God need with a super computer?

Hear about the bulimic bachelor party?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

Wow Rat boy. Just wow.

A Scotsman joke:

An Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman go to the bar together, and each orders a Guinness stout. As they're preparing to take a drink, each has a fly land in his beer. The Englishman hands the beer over to the bartender and says "I'd like a new beer, chap." The American flicks the fly out of his glass and proceeds to drink the beer. The Scotsman grabs the fly by a leg, and shakes it over the beer, shouting "Spit it oot, ya wee bastard, spit it oot!"

Edited because Leaping beat me to the blonde joke

Two teenage whales are out on their first date. They're diving, jumping, eating small fish and generally having a good time. Suddenly, the male spots the Japanese Whaler that killed his dear ole' dad when he was just a wee whale. He gets all worked up, and turns to his date: " That's the ship that killed my dad, I want revenge! Let's dive under it, blow air through our blow-holes and capsize it!"

His date, wanting him to like her, agrees. And so they do, and the plan works beautifully - the ship capsizes and starts sinking, all the crew jumping overboard for their lives. At this point, the male whale gets even more excited. " Now, let's eat them all up!" he calls to his date.

She, however, turns to him with a stern face and says " Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I am NOT swallowing any sea men!"

A man heads to a local bar regularly, and every time he sits down he orders 3 beers at one time. After a few weeks of this, a waitress asks why he does not just order 1 beer at a time.

The man explains that he has 2 brothers and that they were extremely close, always heading down to the bar and getting beers together. Well, as their lives moved on and his brothers moved away, each of them kept this tradition alive by ordering 3 beers as they arrive at their favorite bar. That way, the brothers could always have a beer together even though they were miles apart.

The waitress found this rather sweet and passed word around the bar staff about this man's tradition. No further thought was given to it and the man continued to come in weekly and order his 3 beers at a time.

One day, however, he came in and ordered only 2 beers. As he sat, drinking the first of his beers, the bar staff feared the worst. Knowing what the 3 beers symbolized, they concluded that the man had lost one of his brothers. The waitress walked over and teary eyed told the man, "I'm so, so sorry for your loss."

The man looked confused at first, then seemed to understand. He chuckled and responded, "Oh, no it's not what you think. I've decided to stop drinking."

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung~

Three female convicts - a blond, brunette, and red head - escaped from prison. In their attempt to be rid of the pursuit, they decided to hide in a barn nearby. In it they found three empty sacs, and being careful, they each chose a sac to hide in. Sure enough, the police soon followed their footsteps into the barn. Witnessing the three loaded sacs lying on the ground, the inspector in charge walked up and kicked one. As he did, the alert brunette within quickly let out a soft "meow". "A cat," the inspector concluded. He then moved to the next sac and gave it a stomp. Following the brunette's example, the red head in the second sac barked out. "A dog! How about this one?" wondered the inspector as he kicked the the third sac. "PO-TA-TOOOooo..."

*Check my sig for another one.

So an egg and a piece of bacon are in a frying pan, cooking up for breakfast. The egg turns to the bacon and says "Man, it's hot in here".

The bacon turns back to the egg and says "Holy sh*t, a talking egg!".

I am deeply offended by all the blond jokes in this thread

Probably heard em all before, but anyway...

What do you call a Blonde with their hair dyed brown? Artificial Intelligence.

Why did the Blonde write T.G.I.F on the inside of her shoes? To remember that Toes Go In First.

Enjoying the off color & offensive jokes btw

25 points to whomever remembers what movie that was told in.

The Crowe
Brandon Lee tells the joke to .... the druggie after the druggie says "Jesus Christ" after shooting him and the hole regenerated.

Here's my joke:
Why did they nail Jesus to the Cross?

He forgot his safe word...

I think we're the only ones.

*edit*

Or not because Rainsmercy said it and I missed it. I'm retarded. It still makes me laugh though.