Separation from my wife...*Updated on January 5th*
I confronted my wife today about a situation that has only gotten worse over the last few months. When push came to shove, she admitted to wanting a separation over the past two months, but couldn't bring herself to do it.
We have two sons and I don't know how they are going to react to it. My oldest one is 5 1/2 years old, the youngest just 1. The eldest is the one I am worried about the most.
We are not divorced, and she says she doesn't want to get one, but separations rarely work out to be a positive thing.
I just want to vent as the shock to me still hasn't worn off. Thanks.
Quintin_Stone wrote:
Lunabean, when are you going to grow up and stop playing video games?lunabean wrote:
After I have sex with your mother.
So do you think she's cheating on you or something? Or what, it's just burnout?
I don't understand why she'd want a separation anyway. If times are difficult and you don't see each other too often, it's unlikely that it's going to be forever.
I think divorce should be illegal anyway. It always sucks for the kids. Try to not let them see that you're depressed, and keep your head up. 
The man wears a bucket of KFC on his head. I wouldn't expect anything less. - Pred
Do what you can to come out of the other side of this back together, but just remember I'll be there to call her all sorts of unpleasant names should you call upon me to do so.
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I think divorce should be illegal anyway.
Then so should marriage...
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What you're asking for means the world to me. You draw close as you whisper: "Precisely".
Stress in life has a funny way of becoming stress in a relationship. Fears, regrets and the overwhelming feeling of stress gets transfered to your partner in mannerisms and behavior. It causes sleepless nights, irregular eating, periods of anxiety and it just gets worse. There is nothing that can be done about life, you just keep going and going hoping it will get better. You do what you need to do to support yourself and your family.
It sounds like you guys have just gotten caught up in life and the relationship has suffered. The cure might be as simple as a vacation if there is anyway of taking one. Even a single weekend, no school, no work, no kids (an relatives can take them for a weekend?). Just the two of you and relax. I know this isn't something easy to do when you have a full schedule but it's my only advice. Good luck.
"When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross." - Sinclair Lewis.
I'm sorry to hear, cartoonin. I hope you come out stronger of this challenge.
Roo: "Just to cheer you up if any of the above made you sad: Boobies."
IDGaf, on online dating: "One woman even said she wanted a man to be 'her friend, her brother, her father'. I was tempted to suggest she move to Alabama."
trowan wrote:Sorry to hear about this, hope everything works out. Have either of you considered taking time off from school?
That's a good idea. Perhaps you both could take a semester/quarter off for more quality time.
I think that was part of the problem. Her next quarter at school, which starts in a week or two, was going to have to be limited to just one or two classes. The way she sees it is that she is tired of having to make sacrifices and I am not having to make any. I am giving up the majority of my time with my two sons and with the love of my life to finish my degree and hopefully make a better future for my family and myself. I cannot go to school part-time because I would lose my financial aid, she can go part-time and keep getting hers paid for.
I am just so lost right now. I can't keep my thoughts cohesive without overanalyzing every single thing I do.
Quintin_Stone wrote:
Lunabean, when are you going to grow up and stop playing video games?lunabean wrote:
After I have sex with your mother.
I'm sorry to hear about it, cartoonin. Good luck. I hope you two can work things out.
XboxLive: Fly GWJ | PSN: The _Fly
A game designer wrote:
There is no places for writers in our industry.
Really sorry to hear that man. I am not qualified to offer any advice either beyond what many have suggested about counseling. I really hope you guys can come out of this on the good side.
"Just because something's popular, that sure doesn't make it right." -Penn Gilette
"You can't fix stupid." -Ron White
Net Neutrality Rally in Ottawa on May 27th![/url]
That really sucks. I hope you two can work things out however it suits you two best. Good luck. 
Don't you understand, Cliff? We put a chainsaw on a machine gun! That's it! It doesn't get more awesome than that! We've peaked, man! We've peaked! - ctrl-alt-del on Gears of War 2
First off, cartoonin, sorry to hear about all of this. This is really awful stuff. If you ever want to talk (and I know we don't know each other well), but PM me or whatever. I'll listen.
Irongut had some very good advice. My wife and I actually went through a rough patch last year. The D-word was thrown around very casually and I can honestly say that at one point it felt like it was 50/50 whether we would stay together. Those of you who have seen me talk about my wife or visa versa would probably be surprised to hear that, but it's true. I won't go into details, because they're too complex and personal, but a lot of what was going wrong with us also had to do with time issues. Namely my wife always training for Ironman and me not having any friends and thus being angry at her for her being gone so much.
Anyway, we eventually started talk, all cards on the table, openly and honestly about what was going wrong. And it was painful. And we both had to see counselors on a weekly basis. And there was lots of crying and there was a period of time where my wife wasn't sure if she could live in the same house as me and I wasn't sure if I could bear living in this "grey zone" where we had no clue what tomorrow was going to hold. I would say that's the best lesson we learned. We learned that love isn't this thing that is always like a fire burning 100%. Sometimes it waxes, sometimes it wanes. And we had to learn to be comfortable with those periods of time when we were more friends than husband and wife. That was what really made it work, I feel. Staying in the house and being okay with leaning on each other as friends and just going through what we had to go through, regardless of what tomorrow looked like.
Turns out tomorrow was wonderful. It really really sucked for a while. But we were committed to trying to work it out no matter how painful it got. In retrospect, I think we were always going to be together. It just didn't feel that way at the time. It felt like our marriage was hanging by a thread, when in reality we really *had* to go through this awful time where we had no clue if we could hold it together. And now our relationship is better than before all of that. My wife trained for and completed the Ironman with little complaint from me. We have friends coming out our ears where once I was lonely. We know how to appreciate the time we *do* have together, how to make more time where we can, and how to be forgiving when the time just isn't there or when the other person wants individual time.
I have no clue if any of this applies to you other than the fact that someone else went through a rough patch and made it. And I hopefully have made sense. But I guess the bottom line is that I wanted you to know that you *can* make it through this. It may not feel like it now, but no matter what you guys decide to do, no matter how painful things are, you can definitely make it through this. My advice would be to just communicate. Communicate when you need to, give each other space and if you want to stay together try to work it out. Seek counseling apart or together (my wife and I actually saw separate counselors and worked on it that way) and if it's at all possible, and I know it's painful, try to be okay with that grey area. It gets easier, then one day it will hopefully get better.
That's all I got. I hope some of it helps. I know it sucks and I'm so sorry for you. I hope things go well. Tomorrow will come and if you guys communicate and lean on the positive things in your relationship or the reasons why you love each other, you have a good chance of making it through this.
XBox Live Gamertag: DSGamer GWJ
I haven't been there, cartoonin, so I don't have much to offer. Just my best wishes and to say that if you guys make it through school you might see improvement on several fronts. More time, more money, less pressure, etc.
Good luck.
I wish it were time for Cheers. But it's not. It's time for vengeance!
Thank you very much for taking the time to write that DS. I only know a few of the people here IRL, and I am an incredibly private person, but I had to get this out there or my head and heart were going to explode.
I am going to try to concentrate on my sons and getting through school. Hopefully things will work out for us, I still love her with all my heart and would do just about anything to work through this, anything except make her unhappy...if that means staying away from me, then I guess I will have to learn to accept that.
Thanks again to the our great community here, I hope I can reciprocate in kind for someone else who needs help as well.
Quintin_Stone wrote:
Lunabean, when are you going to grow up and stop playing video games?lunabean wrote:
After I have sex with your mother.
man, I'm sorry to hear the news. even if things "usually work out the way they should" the part before that sucks really bad.
just remember, you got a lot of love here, even if you're not feeling so much over there.
hang in there.
Whatever the situation is, it'll need to get resolved somehow. I don't have much advice to give but I guess if I were in that type of situation, I'd see a family/marriage counselor with my SO.
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Well, think about it this way - maybe you'll end up hooking up with a hot Greek chick like Roo did.
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"Do I what I do: hate everyone." - Quintin_Stone
Jesus, that sucks, Cartoonin.
I'm here if you need anything.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
Bah - I hate stuff like this. I'm very sorry you're having to deal with it.
If you need any 2142 therapy, let me know.
Don't take this as advice, cause I dont know anything, nor have I walked in anyone else shoes. I can say we had a similar situation with my aunt and uncle a few years back, and so I'm just asking a question based on that.....
You said she wants to seperate but not divorce.
Is there any way to talk with her and see if she can achieve that space under the same roof, so it gives you both a bit of time to discuss the issues at a pace thats appropriate and keeps you together as a family unit in the meantime? My aunt and uncle a few years back were at a really rough spot, with two kids also. My uncle was ready to move out, but he did pause for a heart to heart first. (well, many heart-to-hearts first.... not sure he asked for all of them.. but he got them).
The advice at the time, was that even if it was uncomfortable, that if they could find a way to stay together under the same roof, it gave them a better chance of finding a solution. The opposite angle was that in being apart it makes it easy to get accustomed to a new lifestyle and not confront the issues that needed to be addressed, because they are distanced. He stuck it out, they identified some core issues, and agreed to attend marriage counseling to work them out together.
Please understand I dont pretend to know the circumstances, so what I've typed is just a reflection on what I observed with my own relatives... it may not apply at all.
You may have had these conversations already. I really wish you all the best and sincerely hope you can work it out.
Xbox Live: Irongut | Playstation ID: Irongut_GWJ
I'll second this thought. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, man. Given that you are really concerned about your kids, I think the best thing for everyone involved would be to at least TRY seeing a marriage counselor. There is nothing to be ashamed of, many couples go through similar situations, and many couples manage to work out their differences with help.
Try to keep an open mind, and you might be surprised at the results. At the very worst, at least you'll know that you did your best to do what was right for your family.
That being said, it's your life, not mine, and I'm not here to tell you how to live it. Good luck, we're all behind you.
Morrolan wrote:
XBLA / Steam: Dysplastic
Elysium wrote:
Danjo wrote:
Sorry to hear it bro... been there / done that. Only real advice I can give you (not that Im one to give advice) but is to focus on you and your kids... and DONT SLEEP AROUND! Just makes things worse
PAR
For all who live in such times, it is not for them to decide. All we get to decide is what to do with the time given us.
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Sorry to hear that cartoon, I don't know what I'd do in that situation.
I like my women like I like my meatloaf.
Hot and covered in ketchup.
Sorry to hear about this.
Went through a similar situation (that ended in divorce) with my parents. I wouldn't worry too much about your kids. As long as you let them know without any uncertain terms that you love them and that it's nothing to do with them (don't guilt buy stuff) then they'll most probably be okay.
IMO, this has come at a good time (if that can be said). They're still quite young and although the family unit is ingrained in their minds they're still more adaptable than a 15 yr old about to take some exams in the next year...
I think whether you stay under the same roof or not being beneficial to your relationship is a murky issue. Everyone's different and every situation is different. Do what you guys feel is right but if you feel that there's a chance to work things out - perhaps not even to the originality of your relationship, but at least having a congenial one - make the effort.
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That is a tough situation. I'm sorry to hear you've got to face this. I hope everything works out for the best, and keep in mind that even the worst situations in life are usually temporary and thing get better, even if it doesn't seem like that at the time.
I was four years old when my parents divorced. Everyone thinks that it is such a terrible thing when that happens to you at that age. When in fact it is a bit of a blessing. I was so young I have no memory of my parents ever being married. You can't miss what you don't remember. This is the only life I have ever known. There are a few challenges that I had faced growing up that others in a different situation did not have to deal with. But everyone has their own individual challenges growing up.
I tell you this so even if the worst does happen. It will not be as bad as you imagine at the moment. I have spoken to others who have been in similar situations.
If you have any questions feel free to drop me a line.
Xbox live/PSN Chrometech
Thanks for the well wishes everyone.
I just wanted to give a little perspective on our situation. I go to school full-time for computer animation, while working part-time bartending and waiting tables. My wife goes to school full-time for Massage Therapy and working as a short-order cook on third shift, full-time. We see each other maybe a total of 6 hours a week, not to mention we have 2 children, so our time together is incredibly short.
I wish there was something more I could do to spend more time with her, but it is increasingly hard. I have just one year and one quarter left to finish my degree, and I think I just put the blinders on and hoped we could just power through the next year, then everything would improve. Who knows what the future will bring, but my heart is very heavy and I just hope I have the fortitude to get through this.
Quintin_Stone wrote:
lunabean wrote:Man, I'm sorry to hear that. Within the last couple of years, my wife and I have been through a lot of crap. There were times when I didn't think we were going to make it. But we both still loved each another and wanted to fight for our marriage. With completely open and honest communication and some counseling, we have been able to work things out. Our relationship is stronger now than it has been in years. We were even separated for a couple of weeks, the longest two weeks of my life. But it got better because we were willing to try to make it work and learn how to compromise again.
I would advise counseling if you are both willing. It's uncomfortable at first, but once you realize the counselor is really trying to help you, it gets easier. Keep loving your kids. They, especially the elder one, need to know that your love for them has not changed.
That's all I got. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
Xbox LIVE: oldman GWJ
"I might have gotten away with it if it wasn't for a damningly tenacious clinger." - Crouton on a childhood excrement escapade
You have support here buddy. If you want things to work out I hope they do. As far as kids, no matter what anyone says, having two miserable parents together does not beat having them happily seperated or divorced.
I don't think I've ever said this sentence before, but man would I love to hump that butterfly.-- KrazyTaco
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That's a good idea. Perhaps you both could take a semester/quarter off for more quality time.
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