Lady In The Water (no major or semi-major spoilers)
M. Night Shyamalan, who gave us "The Sixth Sense" and "Unbreakable", has always given himself a short cameo in his movies. His longest cameo, by far, is in his latest film "Lady In The Water". Coincidentally, this is the worst film he's ever made.
I do not remember myself cringing this much during supposedly "emotional" scenes as I did in this film. Well, I did it once before.
I was in the movie theater, and Milla Jojovich was holding the creepy child actor in "Ultraviolet" while he was dying or possibly not dying or undergoing some other transformation that possibly had or did not have anything to do with his life signs or emotions, if he wasn't a robot. What ? Yeah, I was kind of trying to look away from the screen by then, to minimize the content absorption and the resulting long-term brain damage.
But back to the movie. Imagine, for a moment, a story that I will make up as we go along. Please make the utmost effort to immerse yourself, because I am trying to make you understand.
Let's say, there's a magic rooster. Allright ? This magic rooster appears once every 14 years, and then it swims away.
Okay ? But the problem is, the magic rooster is always followed by a rooster-eating ball of ham, which is powered by Intel processors and kerosene. However, it is afraid of water and Jehovas' Witnesses. Still with me ? Okay. Weirdo.
You may ask me at this point "My dearest shihonage, why are you giving me all these pointless and seemingly random background details ?". Well, hang on, friend, this will all come together soon. Remember about the Jehovas' witnesses ? It is VERY IMPORTANT.
Now, there's a magic wizard called Saruman who protects the rooster, even though he's evil and rooster is not. Most of the time, however, Saruman's satellite feed is overridden by footage from Stargate SG-1, because it is his favorite show, second only to McGuyver.
There's also a bunch of people with strange quirks.
Okay, now, this is where it all comes together. Ready ?
Okay. FEEL EMOTION.
Rooster gets into a Honda Civic and swims away. Everyone is tear-eyed. AS YOU SHOULD BE, YOU HEARTLESS PRICK. Swing away, Merrill. Swing away.
If by now you feel confused, insulted, and generally like you wasted 5 minutes of your time, then I've succeeded in giving you an accurate impression of this film. Except, it is 20 times as long.
P.S. Jehovas' Witnesses never make an appearance and are completely irrelevant.
Agent: "Why do you think she's known as the Black Widow ?"
Chuck: "Because... she's African American and her husband died ?"
I want my 5 minutes back.
Ulairi wrote:
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I skimmed filthily for fear of spoilers, because I LOVED Unbreakable and Signs...probably would have loved Sixth Sense, but I knew the ending before I went to see it (it was voluntarily spoiled at a time when I thought I'd never see the movie).
Anyway, I really wanted to see this in the theater but didn't get to - fiancee wouldn't see it.
Now I'm hearing that it's actually worse than The Village*? Is that POSSIBLE?
*which had brilliant atmosphere and would have made an awesome Twilight Zone episode**, but sucked as a feature-length movie. I figured out the ending halfway through.
**probably already did, come to think of it. Just about every good story was on the Twilight Zone.
Quote:
- Legion, taking "keeping it in the family" to a whole new level.
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Lady In The Water has a problem. It is too naive and hackneyed for adults, and it is too boring and complicated for children. At least, in "The Village" I felt some semblance of suspense. In "Signs", even though it didn't work for many people, I actually felt emotion.
This movie... nothing.
P.S. There aren't any real spoilers except for a very general and halfway false outline of a semblance of a plot.
Agent: "Why do you think she's known as the Black Widow ?"
Chuck: "Because... she's African American and her husband died ?"
Now... and this could be just me, but that sound like an awesome movie! I mean, how could it not be... it has rooster-eating ball of ham, which is powered by Intel processors and kerosene!
Seriously though, is the movie really that bad?
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I'm afraid of water and Jehovas' Witnesses.
It's my secret shame.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
Yes. Shihonage's short story is far more entertaining.
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Note to Hollywood directors: Scripts you make out of stories you make up to please your kids at bedtime do not make good movies.
Sixth Sense is still worth checking out, even knowing the twist. Great movie, and it is still fun watching how it develops. I was in the hospital over Halloween, and this was on. Still loved the movie.
Personally, I really enjoyed The Village. Not as much as Unbreakable or The Sixth Sense, but certainly more than Signs, which didn't really do anything for me at all. I didn't make it to The Lady in the Water, but I will probably catch it on HBO or DVD at some point.
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I, on the other hand, was very late to the party and knew the ending going in, and found it pretty hollow. There are some pretty powerful scenes in there (like the very end where the mother breaks down crying in the car, or the videotape, which was far more horrible than anything else in the move put together and really didn't fit the rest of the material), but as a whole I found it to be a pretty cheap setup for a 'gotcha!' ending.
Also, everything I've read about Lady in the Water makes believe that gouging my eyes out would be preferrable to watching it. I did quite like Unbreakable, however. Even though its seriousness gets a bit silly.
"The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all."
Wow. My girlfriend made me rent this last night. Thank God I stuck with my plan of playing on the pc instead of subjecting myself to the torture. She wants me to watch it WITH her tonight. Help me out guys, should I get in a traffic accident on the way home?
I still think it's hilarious that after watching the preview for "The Village", I guessed the ending twist on my first try.
Whip out your DS / PSP while you watch. Occasionally elicit an enthusiastic "Ah-ha !" or "Oh no !". If by the end your girlfriend doesn't say "this movie sucked", dump her.
Agent: "Why do you think she's known as the Black Widow ?"
Chuck: "Because... she's African American and her husband died ?"
Wait until she recognizes that it's a bad movie, then save her from having to watch the rest by sexing her up and down.
That's what Jack Palance would have done.
"PEACE ON EARTH. GOOD WILL TO MEN. PUBLIC SHELTER. ADMISSION 50¢"
It was a pretty obvious twist. I felt cheated out of my time by watching that. Thankfully not out of money though, as it was a bootleg copy my mom bought on the street somewhere.
I didn't guess the ending right out of the gate, but I did turn to the person I was watching it with and say that I found the differences between how people in the past spoke and how we think they spoke interesting.
I've liked all of M Night's movies, but I haven't seen "Lady in the Water". Right now, he's one of my favorite directors. I think his writing is sometimes weak, and that "The Sixth Sense" pigeonholed him into making movies with "twists", but how he films things I absolutely love. Like how he uses color in "Unbreakable" and "The Village". There are shots in "The Village" that I absolutely adored, I remember one where Joaquin walked into the frame wearing his robe, and another where the camera was panning sideways through the houses, and then it just passes by one of the monsters standing in the doorway to the house.
I've been afraid to watch "Lady in the Water" because of the sheer amount of negative feedback it's received. "The Village" had its share of critics, and I still managed to love it, but not nearly as many negative reviews. Every time I consider renting it at work I find myself asking, "Can it really be that bad?"
"YOU SPOIL, YOU GET SPOILED! AAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Dude, it's like, worse than LOST.
(ducks)
Agent: "Why do you think she's known as the Black Widow ?"
Chuck: "Because... she's African American and her husband died ?"
This is an interesting plot, it throws enough red herrings out that even though the truth of it is right in front of you the whole time you never quite see the ending coming, I mean a Civic? I would have totally thought it a Corolla. But I am confused on why you said the Jehovahs witnesses are irrelavent? I mean the whole point of the water and every 14 years are obvious references to the belief that the last days began in 1914 and the water is a symbolism for the blood, which the chicken being good, swims in to redeem itself as one of the few to rule over the earth after Armageddon with Christ. Saruman is obviously a defellowshipped JW, as is obvious by his devoting to TV especially those involving the demon inspired Stargate (who has parasites as gods!) and MacGuyver who is a violent person constantly interfering in political situations that are none of his concern.
The Ham ball is also an obvious reference to the devil, since it is one of the forbidden things to eat in Judaism, and well I am not sure how the Intel is relevant (maybe if it were Cyrix chips I can understand) and Kerosene represt the firey conflagration that are sure to come about whent he ultimate show down between good (the rooster) and evil (the ham) happens.
In the end the Rooster (Jesus) swims off, this is not the time of the end of the world.
Really Shihonage you should keep such obvious religious biases out of your stories, that is what has made Goodkind so unreadable for many folks.
"Also, I have four legs and am covered in wool. Baa!" *Legion* reveals his inner furry.
In shihiloh's story, was Saruman a Jehovas' Witness? And was the problem with the satellite reception ever explained to the viewer? I have to know, the suspense is killing me.
Yeah, I totally figured that one out as well.
For whatever reason I found Signs to be the high point of Shyamalan's films so far. Maybe the lead character's internal conflict resonated with me more so than those of the characters in his other films.
The way Lady in Water almost randomly increases the mythology reminded me of Lost, although I still intend to keep watching that.
Protagonist has a mysterious, guilt-ridden past?
Check.
Random mythology that keeps building?
Check.
"Monster" that's never fully explained?
Check.
I'd go on, but I don't want to spoil anything more.
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Before or after the one-handed push ups?
Thanks Shinonage for the synopsis. I had zero intention of renting this, as it looks like it just sucks from the previews. But thanks for the entertainment!
Ohh Lost bashing on the first page! I think we are going to have to make a new internet law here, kinda like an addendum to Godwins Law. Every Internet discussion will either lead to Hitler comparisons, or Lost bashing.
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“The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.” John K Galbraith
The Village's 'twist' wasn't all that hot but I thought it was still a decent flick. Unbreakable is his best movie IMO and the best 'comic book' movie ever made up to this point.
Now getting rid of his need to throw a 'twist' into every movie would be welcome and I think Unbreakable was a decent start of it (it had one but if you read comics you knew it anyway). He has a great eye and is great at setting atmosphere/tone even if the plot reasons aren't always the best for those tones.
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