In my preparations for this week's column, I readied myself to give grilling tips for the final hurrah of summer, the Labor Day barbeque. For who amongst us hasn't had our share of charcoal briquettes disguised as burgers, and swatted the flies away from the molting potato salad? But then, my gweejer brethren, I found God. Yes, yes I did.

I come before you today to testify about the joys of Pastafarianism. I will lead you into the light of his glorious carbohydrates and delicious meaty goodness. Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of South Beach, I will fear no noodle, for He is with me. His garlic bread and extra cheese do comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He anoints my bread with oil. My Chianti runneth over.

I bring you the message of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. For through him do we have Fridays as religious holidays, and our heavens will be filled with strippers and beer volcanoes. R-amen.

And thus, our theme for the menu:

• Pirate Spaghetti with Ahoy Matey Meatballs (Not to be confused with the infidel Spaghetti Pulsar Activating Meatballs).
• Cheesy GaAAAR!rlic Bread
• Tossed Overboard Salad with Saucy "Heart of Gold" Wench Dressing

Ingredients:

Directions:

In a medium container with a lid, mix canola oil, tarragon vinegar, sugar, thyme, dry mustard, and garlic. Cover, and shake until well blended. Place artichoke hearts into the mixture, cover, and marinate in the refrigerator.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

Combine ground meat, onion, eggs, bread crumbs, oats, and seasoning in a large bowl. When mixture is holding together nicely, roll the meat into golf ball sized balls. Press one sliver of garlic into the center of each ball. Dredge each ball in flour. Place on a foil-lined baking sheet. When all the meat has been rolled, place sheet in preheated oven and bake for 25 minutes.

While meatballs are cooking and dressing is cooling, pour some olive oil in a cold sauce pan. Toss in onions and chopped garlic. Slowly raise temperature until the oil gets bubbly. Stir in tomatoes, mushrooms, wine, carrots, parsley, basil, sugar, and salt. Bring sauce to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, stirring frequently.

Get a baking sheet ready for your bread. I recommend parchment paper as a liner. Brush slices with olive oil...lightly. Do not soak the bread, that will just make it squishy. Squishy bread is a "walk the plank" offense. Nobody wants that.

By now, the meatballs are probably ready to come out of the oven. When they do, cover them and put them someplace out of your way. Switch the oven to broil and lightly toast your bread. When the bread is light brown, remove the bread sheet from the oven. Rub the toasted bread pieces with the cut surfaces of the peeled garlic cloves. Lightly pepper, and sprinkle with fresh parmesan. Pop the sheet back in the oven, and turn the oven off. The ambient heat should melt the cheese. If you've got room in the oven, put your tray of meatballs back in, under the bread, to stay warm.

Cook pasta according to directions on pasta box. Cook to al dente. Overdone pasta angers the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Drain and lightly toss with a little olive oil to keep it from sticking.

In a large bowl, toss together lettuce, red bell pepper, carrot, red onion, black olives, green olives, cucumber, and Romano cheese. Season with pepper. Pour in the artichoke and marinade mixture, and toss to coat.

Serve salad in salad bowls. Plate the rest by layering pasta, sauce, meatballs and cheese. Put a piece of toast on the side. You could use bread plates, but the other pirates will laugh at you. Avast! Dinner is done. Call your scurvy meal mates to the table.

Serve with: Anything. If you truly believe, it will be transubstantiated into a fine Chianti.

Serves 4-6, depending on appetite.

Nutritional info: Pirates don't need no stinking nutritional info! We have loaded parrots and we're not afraid to use them!