Using my awesome powers of persuasion and a few carefully selected photos of "that one time at band camp", I've convinced Certis to to let me test the waters of making Anatidaephobia an arena for the Gweejer Gourmet. Because, let's face it, gamers have priorities; sex, food, gaming, family, jobs. Perhaps not in that exact order, but probably fairly close. The idea of me becoming the Xaviera Hollander of the gaming universe was quickly vetoed. After all, we are gamers *with jobs*, and thus a NSFW front page column seemed a little much. Since sex was out, and gaming is pretty well covered, I figured Food was next on our Maslowvian Hierarchy. But how to talk about food, and have it related to games and the people who play them?

The way I see it we've got recipes that can be eaten with one hand, recipes to get you out of the doghouse because of your addiction to fondling your mouse at all hours of the night, recipes for gaming couples (or how to get away from that keyboard and onto the floor), recipes to make when your game server is hosed, recipes for when you're too drunk to be trusted to be near a heating element, recipes to cheer you up when you still don't get that l33t drop after the 7th time you've been on the raid, recipes for your PMSing partner (ok, that one is just chocolate in bountiful amounts and astounding variety). In other words, we're a group of people who need to eat, we like to eat, and what more motivation do we need for a column about it?

It occurred to me that the perfect recipe to start this culinary Proustian endeavor would have to be something very special indeed. Something unique to the GWJ community. Something easy. Something vaguely homoerotic.

Thus, from the kitchens of Casa Chaos, I give you my own creation:

Der Wiener Bombe

(With apologies to the Germans and Austrians.) 

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 pounds (very thin) boneless pork chops.  (Traditional wiener schnitzel uses veal...but everyone gets all squicky about veal these days.)
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 3 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 egg (beaten)
• 1 teaspoon minced parsley
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/2 cup of  milk
• 6 tablespoons butter (Margarine is not the same thing.)
•  juice from 3/4 of a lemon
  
• 8 ounces washed and sliced  mushrooms. (Steinpilzen are traditional,but nigh onto impossible to find)
• 1 shallot  thinly sliced (1 tablespoon if using dried) 
• a few tablespoons of white wine or brandy
• 1/4 to 1/2 cup sour cream (real stuff...not that weird low fat stuff. The weird low fat stuff separates. Bleh.) 
  
• 8 ounces dry egg noodles or bow tie pasta.  
• rosemary to taste (fresh is best, but dried works fine.) 
• 1 tablespoon butter or olive oil to keep pasta from sticking

Directions:

Salt and heat pasta water.  Cover it for now to retain heat. 

In a large frying pan, sauté mushrooms and shallot with a small amount of butter on medium heat.  

While mushrooms are reducing, wipe meat with a damp cloth; pound very thin (1/8- 1/4 inch) (3-5 mm); dip lightly in flour.

Start Pasta.

Remove mushrooms to a bowl, cover with a plate or cling film. Melt 4 tablespoons of butter in the same frying pan over low heat.  While butter is melting, mix cheese, 2 tablespoons of flour, egg, parsley, salt, pepper, nutmeg and milk and beat until smooth. Dip floured cutlets in the batter mixture. Cook over low to medium heat until golden and tender.

Remove cutlets to a warmed plate. (To warm the plate, toss it in the oven for a few minutes, or if it's stoneware, heat it in the microwave for 30 seconds.) The plate...not the food. Do not microwave the food. That would be bad. Crossing the streams bad. I will know, and the wrath of Zhule will follow. I use a plate to cover the mushrooms, and then when the meat is ready, that plate is hot from the radiant heat.

Deglaze the pan with white wine or brandy and lemon juice. Return the mushrooms to the pan with the last 2 tablespoons of butter. Heat gently while stirring in sour cream. Add salt to taste if necessary. (Add a small amount of milk if it's too thick.) Let this reduce on low heat while you get back to the pasta.

Your pasta is probably ready to be drained, buttered, salted, and tossed with rosemary. Cover and put on the warm burner from which it came.

Plating:

Mound buttered rosemary noodles on a plate.

Place the schnitzel in the center. 

Spoon mushroom sauce around perimeter, with a small dollop on the top of the schnitzel.

Voila...we have achieved Der WienerBombe. Serves four regular diners, or 6 old people, or one teenage boy. Calories and fat content are insane. You don't want to know. It's a weiner bomb for goodness sake. You want healthy, eat tofu.

Serve with recommendations:

* Gruner Veltliner; GV is a clean, crisp white wine from Austria that goes very well with rich white meats.

* Fresh Steamed Green Beans with lemon and almond slivers

Additional notes: 

This recipe works well with leftover thick pork chops or pork tenderloin. Slice meat cross grain, very thinly. Lightly bread, pan toast, and then toss them into the mixture at the sour cream stage, which keeps them from getting a dry texture. Serve over noodles. Yum.

Inspiration from this dish, of course comes from our long standing wiener bomb joke, but the inspiration for the recipe comes from my 1952 copy of Luchow's German Cookbook by Jan Mitchell and Ludwig Bemelmans.

Category Tags: Sit down dinners, Spousal Suckup, The Other White Meat.