Days That Change Your Life
About 2 weeks ago now i had a day that completely changed nearly every aspect of my life. My fiance of 5 and a half years (we had planned to marry next year) informed me she was going back to her ex. To complicate the situation even more is the fact that we have a 2 year old daughter and she also a 7 year old daughter that i've been the father too.
To say i was suprised would be the understatement of the year. I'm not saying the relationship was all roses because we did go through alot of sh*t together but still through it all i thought we loved each other. How wrong i was.
The worst part of it all is the fact that her ex now lives in Texas (she's moving there)and we live in Pa. So i'm not only losing my fiance i'm losing constant contact with my daughter and stepdaughter.
Since it's happened i've found myself unable to play any games, sleep, eat, hell even thinking straight has been hard. I basically went from having a family and a life to being alone and sleeping on my moms floor(literally).
I wasn't sure if this would even be appropriate to post but i'm sure there are many on this board who have gone through something similiar. Anyway going back to the thread title i've had like 5 of these days already in my life that just everything i cared about went to hell. I felt like i needed to talk about this and this is really the only board i post on so there it is.
My sympathies, Tenchild. What a horrible, traumatic thing to have to go through. I'm sorry and I really, really feel for you.
I suggest finding a confidante you can talk to, who won't tell you to shut up or go away or anything - a good friend, some family, or even a therapist. Good luck.
"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you, Kat. You." - Haakon7
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This is totally appropriate to post here, Tenchid. I'm really sorry, brother. Human relationships are ten kinds of ridiculous, but I'm sure you're going to put your life back together one way or another..
Morrolan wrote:
Wow Tenchid. I'm not sure what to say, other than that we're willing to listen if you're willing to talk. I hope that our small words of commiseration will alleviate some part of your great pain, as they have for others in the past.
The market has much to answer for as to why gaming is NOT an art. -- illum
As the great Sanjuro has posted we are here for you brother. I have been divorced twice now and I truly understand how difficult it is to be away from your child. Luckily for me my son lives close enough that I get to spend some wonderful time with him. These days that change your life will only make you stronger - it doesnt feel like it, but it will. You will live, learn, overcome, and grow from these days far more then the easy ones.
- Spy
XBL Gamertag
SI VIS PACEM, PARA BELLUM "IF YOU SEEK PEACE... PREPARE FOR WAR"
PUBLIUS RENATUS, 390 AD
Being a father, I can't imagine for a second the potential of not seeing my son. Being a husband, I can't imagine for a second losing my companion upon whom I rely so completely. I don't know if it helps for a moment having someone point out the obviousness of your hell, but at least know there're plenty of us pulling for you to find your way back out.
Just awful.
"I think Elysium has the right of it" - Certis
Oh my god, angel. Ok, first things first, you have all kinds of legal rights to your daughter. (You probably have none to the non-biological daughter.) Get thee hence to a lawyer. Do it tomorrow morning. Call the state bar association and get a referral to a family law attorney if you don't have an attorney or attorney friends who can recommend one to you.
Use a restraining order to keep her in the state if you have to, until you can get the fiance to iron out *signed, notarized* legal visitation rights. Once she's out of the state, it becomes really difficult...especially with her moving to Texas. Texas is a notoriously difficult place when it comes to custody battles. You have to try and get the venue set where you are.
I realize that I'm one of the "Oh, but no you don't" people...and have been known to be a little over the top sometimes...but seriously, lock down your rights and do it NOW.
IANAL, but I know when it's time to use one...and baby, now is that time.
Big hugs darlin'. I'm so sorry. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
*Legion* wrote:
My sympathies Tenchid, I hope you come out from the other side of this stronger.
Certis beat me to it. - Elysium
DAMMIT. People keep on saying everything that's good to say before I can. That said, if there were some way I could help, I would. I think Deva's right on that you should fight. Other than that, i'm aghast. I'm not sure what to say other than I hope you come out of this stronger, and better.
Quote:
XBL Tag: Prederick
That is horrible and I hope everything ends up working out for you. To think on the bright side at least she got out before you got married...I hope that came out right.
For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. ~Ron Shelton, Bull Durham, 1988
I'm not as eloquent a writer or speaker as any number of the others who have already posted, but I just felt wrong not saying something.
I can't imagine what you're going through, but I hope you get through it okay.
We're with ya buddy.
XBLive: Thin J
PSN: Thin_J
I don't imagine master craftsmen leaping away from completed projects and shouting "Done, motherf*ckers! - 1Dgaf
Wow... just... wow man, I don't even know what to say... other than what Deva said... What Kat said... What Lobo said... What Elys said... (Pred's right... I should have clicked this thread sooner) If you need to talk, feel free to poke me on XFire or something, I'm always here as are the rest of us, especially for someone as kewl as you in a time like this man.
OK, as we all know (maybe not... seeing as how I'm usually dealing with my own here), I have only a few things I am able to do in the wake of such horrible personal tragedies... sooooooo here we go.
Task one, here is your pan of brownies and cookies... but I want that pan back, so help me God.
Task two, BIG HUG!
Task three, reassurances... Hmmm... most sound like cliches... or things you probably wouldn't want to do right now anyway... Ummmmm... Play the lottery! Mom says if you're having this bad of a week then Karma's bound to balance it out somewhere!
"Just remember that sometimes you need to allow problems to just roll like water off of a duckilama's back." ~Reaper
I am going to have to agree with Ducki on this, don't let her leave till you have a legal right to see your daughter. She should not have to live without her real father.
I hope things turn around for you soon.
"Can I have a job? I donut have much experiences, butt I always use an spellchecker spellchecker on my articles." - Sway
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Tenchid, I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'm reluctant to offer much advice, as only you know what path you should take - but if it were me, I'd do everything in my power to preserve my relationship with my daughter. I'm sure you do have legal rights with regard to visitation/custody issues, and I wouldn't waste any time figuring out what they are. Good luck, and hang in there.
XboxLive: Fly GWJ | PSN: The _Fly | Blog: Lowspec | Twitter
I agree about good legal counsel. I hired the biggest gun in my area and while it cost me more the 10 grand over the course of a very brutal legal battle (post divorce) it was well worth it to ensure the well being of my son and of my personal/parental rights.
XBL Gamertag
SI VIS PACEM, PARA BELLUM "IF YOU SEEK PEACE... PREPARE FOR WAR"
PUBLIUS RENATUS, 390 AD
Here's something very stupid but it worked for me in the past - just to survive from day to day, you know. Put a rubber band on your wrist, and snap it everytime you start thinking of her. It sort of reprograms your subconscious a bit so when its about to switch tracks it goes "oh wait, that will sting" and goes elsewhere.
I feel for you as well. But the biggest thing that needs to be taken care of is your daughter. Make sure she knows that she is not at fault in any of this and that you are not going anywhere.
Good luck to you, and as others have already stated, I hope everything turns out for the best for you.
Quintin_Stone wrote:
lunabean wrote:Beautifully said Thin_J, I feel the same. Tenchid, your post was so heartlfelt, it was really moving, I know you'll put things back together and make the best of a bad situation. I hope you follow the advice on the lawyer. It may not be easy to take those steps, but you'll work something out regarding your parental rights. You don't necessarily have to abide her whims. I wish you the best, remember to take it easy on yourself, these things happen, so sad, but true, it may be best not to second guess it all too much. Play a game when you can, to ease the tension, let yourself smile and heal. Get a damn air mattress and get off the floor
You'll do what you need to do and we'll be here for you to turn to when it sucks really bad, or when you have a small victory to share. Big hugs from me too!
I'm with J and the Deva. You have friends here who will always be willing to listen and give advice. I truly feel for you.
McChuck wrote:
Ten, I wish I had some magical advice for you, but my bag is empty. I'll just echo that to whatever extent I can help, I'm more than glad to do so.
Tenchid, that's just such a shock, I'm sorry to hear it. Take the advice about the lawyer and run with that. We're here if you need someone to talk to. We have a lot of shoulders to lean on.
Extremism in the defense of liberty *is* a vice. It has been since the first Crown Loyalist was tarred, feathered and set afire, and it's no better now. It corrupts first the individual, then ultimately the institution it defends.
Sorry man. That sucks. Brings the phrase "one of those days" into sharp focus.
Listen to the Deva. Do what she says. You will regret not doing so later. It may seem like an overly confrontational thing to do, but then so is dumping you for an ex and moving your child out of state. So keep it in perspective.
This site is a wonderful resource for the down and out. Lots of love here. Save you it can.
Don't be saucy with me, Bernaise. - Count DeMonet
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I'm so, so sorry Tenchid. You must feel so bad - I wish there were something that we could do or say to help.
I hope you'll take the Deva's advice. I'd pursue the right to see both daughters - you've raised the seven year old for most of her life. She's worth trying to fight for, too. It may not work, but at least you can try.
Meanwhile, as so many others have said, we're here for you. I know that's not much consolation right now. Hang in there.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
- Dr. Martin Luther King
Wow Tenchid, I'm so sorry for you. Deva's advice is right on the money. The sooner you act on it, the quicker it will be straightened out.
A Mind Without Purpose Will Walk In Dark Places
"I may be out of ammo but I ain't out of chainsaw B*TCHES!" - Sinister's warcry for Gears of War
Sheesh. Deva beat me to the punch. Fight for your daughter - figure out whether you want custody or visitation and make a stand before she leaves the state. Secondly, did you own your home? If so, move back in. You have a right to be there, and it is probably best if you had that extra visibility into what she is planning.
On a lighter note, have you considered a trip to Greece?
"It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem." - Malcolm Forbes
Best of luck, Ten.
Don't you understand, Cliff? We put a chainsaw on a machine gun! That's it! It doesn't get more awesome than that! We've peaked, man! We've peaked! - ctrl-alt-del on Gears of War 2
Bummer.
Rhymes with 'yidcaff'. I don't use smilies. Imagine a wink and a wry grin at the end of most of my sentences. I don't like using exclamation marks either. I'm more friendly than you imagine.
I am certain that you are a strong man, and you'll get out of this ordeal stronger yet. I admire and envy the way you were able to put your words together describing this disaster of your life. Because for my self, I know full well it would be a disaster indeed. I think the sky would burn dark for me if my wif ewalked out of my life with my children. I'd be wimpering and sobbing somewhere in a ditch, broken and devastated. The way you had strength to reach out to your friends here shows you'll be able to get through this eventually as well. Especially heartwarming is the fact that none of the usual "aw, just get drunk and get a hooker" so-called "advice" has been floated yet, and I hope none will.
Take a stand for your kids. Daughter AND stepdaughter. Most likely your woman wouldn't want to be drawn into a litigation any more than you want, and you'll be able to come to agreeable terms without shedding extra blood and money.
That's the recipee! Or, if Greece is out of consideration, meet your local friendly GWJ-ers. In PA, you got your bases covered by TheGameGuru. A perfect occasion to visit with him! If you happen to be about NYC, I'll be more than happy to meet!
Xbox Live tag Gorilla800lbs
Thanks everyone for all the condolences and advice. I haven't yet decided what exactly i'm going to do but i'll definitely keep all your advice in consideration. One thing i didn't mention in the initial post is the fact that i'm flat broke. I can't afford a lawyer or really anything else hence why i'm sleeping on my mom's floor. Also we didn't own. We shared an apartment which was in her name. We also only had one vehicle which was in her name because her parent's cosigned.
There are attorneys out there who will take a case pro bono. Here are a
couple of links that may help you.
http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/probono/home.html
http://www.custodysource.com/pa~1.htm
http://www.pabar.org/probonohome.shtml
Good luck.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
- Dr. Martin Luther King
Ten, is the whole falling out due to money debacles?
Xbox Live tag Gorilla800lbs