Another Brutally Open and Honest Romance Thread...
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005 - 11:51pm
This is word for word from my journal. I think Fletcher or someone bitched about how I hadn't had a big long heartfelt reflection piece or anything in a while... tonight, I came to a rather large epiphany, and this is the result... if it sounds a little like one of Carrie's articles from Sex in the City... or at least her narratives, there's a reason why...
Apologies are a funny thing. If you had asked me, a month or so ago, if I would ever apologize to Sam for my anger... I'd probably have laughed and said to hell with her. Shameful. But, at the time, true.
What is it about love that can take someone and toss them over the edge of sanity with a simple flick of the wrist? Imagine my surprise, when, yet again, I didn't get just a simple flick and instead, was hurled into the abyss of my own insecurities and doubts. After all, I was settling in with a woman who I thought I was more than ready to spend my entire life with. A woman that I would have gladly walked through miles of fire for if I thought it would make her day easier. A woman that, if I had to, I would have given my life for. And then, over what I thought was a simple fight about how I was going to be blown off next weekend for her friends and her unusually reserved nature over the past few weeks... she broke up with me and a week later, was seeing another guy that she already said she loved.
If there's one thing I can't do, it's ignore my heart. And I proved that admirably as I tried to stop caring and to stop thinking it was her when I saw any black Pontiacs and tried to stop thinking about what I did wrong. As far as most of the world knew, I was in the middle of a phase of righteous anger. Why should I care? After all, she had walked away from the most important thing in my life, and started it up with someone else only a week later.
And... maybe it was righteous, or, at the very least, maybe I did deserve to be angry for a while. That's what my heart told me at first anyway. But now I see... some things are just too great to stand in the way of. And some things, no matter how great they may seem, just aren't meant to be.
And, now, I feel as low and as sorry as I ever have. I was a total ass to Sam for two months straight. Was it right? No. Was it wrong? Again, no.
Most of my friends, if they know nothing else about me, it's that I'm relatively selfless... my heart has the tendency to worry more about the people I care about than it does about myself. Through out all of high school and most of college, I've shouldered the burdens of an uncountable number of women. I've put asside myself, for their benefit. I should have done that this time... but this time, the one time it probably would have been the best to, was the one time I just couldn't. For once in my life, that burden was just too much, and it crushed me in no time at all.
So, in the interest of being a better guy and a better friend later, I was kind of a jerk now... and am doing the right thing by sharing that burden with her... but not being annoyed at her. Things are the way they are. That's just the way it goes. Sometimes it sucks.
But if I never had the bad, how would I ever recognize the good?
"Just remember that sometimes you need to allow problems to just roll like water off of a duckilama's back." ~Reaper
Mom?
The man wears a bucket of KFC on his head. I wouldn't expect anything less. - Pred
Lets see here ... you love her, she dumps you and starts dating another guy a week later. I''d say those are pretty good grounds to treat her like a two-bit whore for a while, human emotions being what they are.
Have you apologized to her? If not, don''t. Its over and its time to move on. That doesn''t mean you can''t be nice to her or anything but when a woman does you like that, you don''t need to be exposing yourself to that kind of baggage on a regular basis.
That sounds like Aikido.
Now THAT sounds more like Judo.
Seriously though, I understand that you''re in great pain. For me, having been on the end of a similar situation, it was a lesson about not needlessly putting women on pedestal. It took me a while to get it.
You still have a chance NOT to do something that I have - don''t get emotional and don''t try to win her back. That would be a mistake. Break off contact and sail away. Occupy yourself with something else. You''re hurting too much to be objective in any form or be a ""friend"" after being a ""boyfriend"".
P.S. I hope I am not being had and this thread is not about Dark age of Camelot.
So true, so true. I had much the same situation with my first love. I was a complete ass for a couple of years. (Something to do with her and my best friend hooking up)
But I eventually figured out that if I had been in love with her as much as I had been, then it was worth salvaging a friendship.
So several years later she and I are best of friends and it was one of the best decisions I''ve ever made.
The voices say hello.
You just have to harden your heart. You''ve got to swallow your tears. You''ve gotta turn, and leave her there....
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You know, I''d like to think I''d be able to sniff out a problem like that ahead of time, but sometimes people''s ho-dometers just aren''t that sensitive. Trust me, I''ve been on that end before. And just when you think you''ve gotten over her, just when you think that after a year and a half or so you''re finally past it, she sends you a nasty and scathing email bragging about her team beat yours in the World Series. Sure, you''d like to point out that she never really was a fan of ""her team"" back when they stunk like a clogged public restroom toilet. Sure, you''d like to point out that she isn''t really on the team and that ""we"" didn''t win anything. But, you feel it''s best just to say nothing lest you get dragged into even more bitter remeberances and pain.
Oh, wait, what was this about again?
"Men like sex, thus boobies! Oogaba!" - dejanzie
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come on down to Rat Boy's nest!
light up a stogie, and soon you'll see
how rock can be commercial-free!
'I'd hit it!'" - HP Lovesauce
Dude, I love you like the kid brother I never had and all, but I would never have asked for another thread about the inner workings of your heart. I haven''t even read this damned thing yet, but I wanted everyone to be perfectly clear on that. Seriously. Not in a million years.
Okay. I''m going to go open another bottle of wine and read this thing. Heaven help us all ...
Don't be saucy with me, Bernaise. - Count DeMonet
FalseGravity - My first blog.
Actually, right now... I don''t feel bad. I don''t feel... anything really for the situation. It''s weird... but it''s like I''ve had a moment of clarity... a bit of enlightenment, if you will. And... it''s better. It''s not that I feel great... I just don''t feel bad anymore... and that, in and of itself... is pretty great.
"Just remember that sometimes you need to allow problems to just roll like water off of a duckilama's back." ~Reaper
Okay.
Dude.
This is one of those things that will make absolutely no sense to you now, but years later, when a simliar situation crops up, will suddenly click.
That''s all I can say. Stay tuned.
Don't be saucy with me, Bernaise. - Count DeMonet
FalseGravity - My first blog.
What? What will click? What the hell kinda post is that? Did you get drunk and pass out off that bottle of wine or what?
"Just remember that sometimes you need to allow problems to just roll like water off of a duckilama's back." ~Reaper
Fletcher tends to hit the bottle on Halo 2 zombie night.
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Demosthenes, this moment of clarity is temporary. Tomorrow you will feel like sh*t again. No, this is not a new method of cheering someone up, but thats just how it is.
You need to find something to occupy yourself quickly with ASAP, otherwise you''re in for a lot of sh*t. Preferably an activity that you didn''t do while you were in that relationship. Something new, to rebuild a part of yourself that is left ""with her"" so to speak. Even though nothing is really left ""with her"", its just an illusion. An illusion that hurts a lot and needs to be eliminated.
Ok I am done (puts sock in mouth).
I''ve only been through one breakup I didn''t initiate (and only two overall,) and that wasn''t really all that painful, so what I''m about to say may not be coming with a ton of authority behind it. Take it for what it is, my experience.
From what I''ve seen and experienced, there are girls you can go on being friends with, and there are those you can not go on being friends with. No matter how hard to wish that a member of the latter group were a member of the former, it just ain''t gonna happen. When you realize, or even suspect, that you''re dealing with someone with whom you will never be comfortable being platonic with, you have to RUN FOR THE HILLS. Because they just will not get it if you try to explain, and nothing either of you says will change it, either way. Unless you think there''s a chance you two might get back together again, (assuming you really want that at all,) I suggest you slowly and politely cut off all communication with her. No need to change your phone number or whatever, but just phase her out of your life, and NEVER look back. It will just mean a world of hurt, if you try to follow your emotions and remain freinds with a girl like that.
As for being an ass: that won''t matter as much to you, once you don''t talk to her any more.
It may sound flippant, but it''s oh so true. Also, let''s do be honest. In relationships (both active and nul,) women get to do some truly f''ed up crap, in the name of being mad/sad/hurt. If you truly TRULY think you should be apologizing (which I don''t think is clear-cut in this case,) then do so. If you just want her to stop thinking you were being an ass, I say don''t do it.
Whatever.
Time to go to a bar with friends and get rejected by as many girls as possible. I''m serious, go make a bet with your buddies about how many times you can get turned down in a single night, without completely sabotaging yourself. I swear, if you go in with that mindset, you''ll have so much fun you won''t even believe it. And I bet you''ll get a few numbers, too.
"PEACE ON EARTH. GOOD WILL TO MEN. PUBLIC SHELTER. ADMISSION 50¢"
Demo, I can count on one finger how many women I''ve remained friends with after a split-up. One. In almost 38 years. Again, one.
Life really is like a rollercoaster. Up and down, up and down, a level stretch, a big, ohmyfrickin''God drop, an ocassional corkscrew, up and down, up and down, and another level stretch. And sometimes you just have to ride the ride and see where you get off at the end (oh, and hope the guy in front of you doesn''t puke on that big drop!).
But I agree with everyone else: do not go near her. While none of us may know her, and none of us shared what transpired between the two of you, I think a few of us have been with her doppleganger. She''s not worth your time and effort, Demo. If you two can break it off and she can land in someone else''s arms/bed/whatever within a week, she''s not worth it.
Be Mr. T. Pity the fool. And then become the Faceman and go woo another woman. This ""A-Team"" moment has been brought to you by a lack of coffee.
Turn to Hollywood:
Movie about f*cked-up relationships = Closer
Movie about break-ups and getting over her = Swingers
Movie for when you are lonely = Debbie Does Dallas
Codexica - GWJ Alliance
Here''s my womanly advice.
If you apologise to her for acting hurt and angry and betrayed, after she hurt you, angered you and betrayed you, she will think that you are both spineless and still desperately carrying a torch for her. These are not attractive things.
I once broke up with a guy, we had a bit of a fight during it, and then for two weeks he kept on trying to get together so that he could say sorry for the way he acted during the breakup. I rightly read this as ""Dear god, I can''t let go yet, let me just be near you one more time!"" It did not make me realise how much he really loved me and that I''d been wrong to let him go. It made me uncomfortable.
So, if you are wanting to apologise to satisfy your own sense of what''s right, then go right ahead. But do not apologise so that she will think better of you for it. She won''t.
My ongoing D&D campaign, Gaald, Certis and Trachalio playing
Movie voted as having most depressing phone call(s) ever. I literally cringed.
Unfortunately, if I slash my wrist with my lightsaber it cauterizes instantly. - PurEvil on emo Star Wars plots.
This is so, so true. Well said, Hoochie.
I wish I could go back in time and be MORE of a jerk after some of my breakups.
"That's because you were 10. Everyone likes Garfield when they're 10. When you're 10 you think a cat eating lasagna is genius." - Mumford
BF2 Stats
2005 GWJFFL League Champion
Thanks, that song''s now been in my head all morning.
Demos, quit being a martyr. She''s gone and you don''t need her back. The inclination to write (complain) about how you put others before yourself is showing that you are doing so for (in the end) personal gain. Be an ass to her, she deserves it. But also move on.
I generated a virtual world in the toilet bowl this morning.
-- Podunk on the PS3's mystical, magical abilities
Indeed. Thankfully, he still got Heather Graham in the end.
Quote:
XBL Tag: Prederick
I have to fast-forward that part.
Demos:
You are such a little sweetheart... the key to getting any girl back is to ignore them. If they break up with you, just smile and say, ""Ok, later."" And that''s it. I don''t know why it works, but it does. If you act like it doesn''t matter at all, they''ll always come back around again. So the key thing for you to do as a 20-ish guy in college after just getting dumped is this... Go out and have a good time. Cause word''ll get back to the girl that you''re having a blast without her and that will bother her so much she''ll want to hang out with you.
xbox live: Lester King 17 | WoW: Pawley - Holy Paladin
This is fabulous advice right here. I''d also like to suggest that your new hobby be ice hockey
For two main reasons, one is that the game happens at such mind-bending speed that you can''t concentrate on anything else anyway. And secondly, because you get to body check people and whack them with your stick. Who wouldn''t feel better after that, eh? I wrecked some guy last night who was pushing on me the whole night, it felt great!
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Demos,
Everytime you post stuff like this, your testicles shrink.
Love,
Aunty IDgaf.
HatchetJob.com - a netcast about more than videogames.
Harsh, but mainly true in my experience. It''s total ego gratification to go out of your way to be the ""good guy"" or ""the bigger man"" well past the time it''s necessary or even wanted. Nothing wrong with being a good person of course but I''ve always thought that there is a line you cross where you''re not doing good things for others but to give your own ego a snack. Martyr sandwiches are delicious!
I''m really starting to believe that love cultivates the strongest sense of MY on the planet and that''s why it''s so hard when it falls apart. MY girlfriend, MY ex-girfriend... my my my. Ego hates losing that MY and would rather set your mind to obsessing about it when it''s well in the past.
This is what happens when I only get four hours of sleep. Run for the hills children!
Certis beat me to it. - Elysium
They go quite well with Christ Chex!
And noone better take my jewbies away from me! Yarrrr!
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I pick up more amusing phrases from GWJ than anywhere else ever.
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Bagga and Certis make an awesome observation. I do not agree with the advice to ""Be an ass to her, she deserves it."" Don''t be an ass to anybody. It''ll make baby Buddha cry unnecessarily.
Xbox Live tag Gorilla800lbs
I have to agree with my weighty primate friend on this one. It''s certainly gratifying to act like a dick, but in the end it doesn''t help anything. The best thing, as everyone else has said, is to just ignore her.
I don''t know you very well, but I feel I can say this: if she''s managed to ''replace'' you in a week, she didn''t deserve you in the first place. Maybe that''s unfair, but it certainly looks that way to an outsider (and one who''s still young enough and idealistic enough to think like that).
If I didn't drink, Crom would laugh and cast me out of Valhalla when I die. Peer pressure I can handle, but not when it comes from Crom. -Lobo
This is the real trick isn''t it? How do we move on from a break-up while still paying homage to our own remembered feelings? Should we have put ourselves out there? Should I have called her back that one day? What''s wrong with me? It''s sometimes hard to have faith in yourself and your own mate suitability when you''re just stuck with an emotional debt and nothing to show for it. This is compounded by being tempted by the recent past and the fact that your temptation has already moved on. I know.. un-Macho .. Blow me.
All I can offer are some trite maxims. Life is not fair. You can have anything you want but you can''t have anyone you want. You can''t make someone want to be with you. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.. (in front of her). There''s 3 billion other women out there that you haven''t met yet, so what are you waiting for? If you''re not ready yet, then that''s perfectly fine too. You''ll get on when you get on.
Closure is overrated. Don''t waste your time and don''t give her the satisfaction. It doesn''t really matter who was wrong or right or who did what. Searching for justice or reason in the game of love is futile. Happiness and contentment in your relationships is the imperative. Learn from this and lift the flag again.
The question isn't "Who is going to let me?" It's "Who is going to stop me?"
Sounds like Demos needs a slump-buster.
I generated a virtual world in the toilet bowl this morning.
-- Podunk on the PS3's mystical, magical abilities