Let's Just Be {Internet} Friends

Ah, the ol’ twinge of butterflies. It’s time once again to put my money where my mouth is and meet “internet friends” in a real-life setting. I took pause before entering Teneman's castle at PenCon; I mean, spending four days with 60-some-odd people I've never met before is a pretty mind-boggling situation. Sure, it could be great. Or they could have set up a highly-efficient organ-harvesting assembly line in the basement.

… Well, disassembly line, to be precise.

I get it. Despite being an extroverted person by nature, I tend toward nervousness in these situations too. Will we all get along? Will there be any long, awkward pauses? Will I still have all of my internal organs safely tucked away inside my body at the end of the day?

I find myself looking for rules for approaching situations like this — your grandmother may call such rules etiquette — but there aren't many codified rules for finally putting a face with a name when it comes to meeting those met online. It’s a bit of a brave new world of social interaction, and to this point the rules don’t seem to yet be firmly established.

It’s not as though this is the first opportunity people have ever had to meet in an unusual social setting. Our great-grandparents had the opportunity to meet a pen pal, experience a blind date, introduce a new friend to a group, or go off to a conference, or revival tent, or grange hall dance or whatever they did. But this whole internet persona thing throws a wrench into those traditional settings. This is the first that is a group setting where all parties are partially, and likely incorrectly, known.

We aren’t all unknown as we meet in these situations, but neither are we really known. People don’t act in real life like they do on the internet, of course — that's axiomatic. You can point to John Gabriel's now-famous theory, or the mere absence of instantaneous visual feedback via the other person's facial expression, but regardless people act differently during online interactions. You only know the side of themselves they’ve chosen to display in forums or chat rooms. At the very least, I’ve never seen someone whip out a funny captioned picture of a cat in the middle of an actual conversation.

I think ultimately this is why real-world internet meetups can feel so awkward at times. It’s not that you know very little about someone, because if that’s the case your mind still allows them to fill in the gaps themselves. With prolific internet commenters and chatters, however, your mind tends to fill in their whole lives through the tiny little snippets they choose to show you.

It’s like seeing someone wearing a UtiliKilt. There are plenty of possible scenarios in which someone may find themselves wearing that strange combination of heritage and … um, functionality, but your brain can create this whole scenario. Could be it’s a positive scenario, but the point is that you don’t know. Maybe he just really needs that cross-breeze. Maybe it was a gift from an awkward relative, and he’s going to be seeing them later in the day — but are you going to intuit that from the little snippet you see? Unlikely.

Our brains fill in the gaps, and it creates a cognitive dissonance that can seem odd when meeting people in real life. Your brain has to reconcile what you “know” of someone from the internet with what your own eyes see in front of you.

You mean you aren’t some brain-melting Lovecraftian horror? You don’t pilot an actual roflcopter? You don’t have a scantily-clad elf sidekick? … Wait, you’re not a girl?

Color me surprised.

We've all been taught to remember that there’s an actual person on the other side of that magnetic ink. Though a helpful reminder to be kind, it shows a naïveté about how human interaction works. It’s true that there’s another person on the other side of the screen, but it’s unlikely they are just being themselves, even if the shift is subconscious on their part. We perform our identities, and that performance is even more persuasive when nobody can see our face.

I struggle with this question as well. How much of the diminutive and tyrannical Minarchist do I want to show, versus how much Andy? Are these the kind of people to whom I want to show a more real, natural side? Do I want to allow that sort of vulnerability?

We have managed to cobble together some semblance of order in our internet interactions in this little corner of the internet. We learn each other’s personas and the best ways to interact with them — or, in some cases, the best ways to push their buttons. So how do we react when we meet someone in real life who is ostensibly the same, but in reality is different — sometimes remarkably so?

The only answer I’ve managed to come up with at this point is trial-and-error. In that vein, a little bit of nervousness seems quite natural. If there’s one thing I hope to get across it’s that it’s okay to feel that way, but don’t let it deter you from actually getting out there and meeting other people in real life. You’ll probably like them a lot more in person! I have yet to meet someone in person and like them less than I do online. (Caveat: I have not met Quintin_Stone in person.)

It really is undiscovered country, and we are the ones riding our covered wagons into the red sunset in search of new and better pastures. Without any established social code, this really does seem to be the only way to go about things. We denizens of the internet are the settlers of the Wild West, staking out our claims in whatever way we best see fit.

But the reward is worth the risk. As I relax at home after a board-game-filled weekend with these “internet” friends, I take inventory: two kidneys, two lungs, a liver, a stomach full of tasty hot chicken. Safely tucked in bed, not sold to slavers (always a bonus). I even managed to learn more about those people with whom I often trade meme-ridden barbs across the TCP/IP frontier; to no longer consider them “internet” friends. Just … friends.

Comments

I wanna friend you up, Andy.

P.S. Friendconomics

Ugh. Who wants to meet someone from the internet?

No good can come of it, I can assure you of that.

Well said.

Back when I was dating via Match.com I actually had a date tell me you are different than you were online. Apparently I was getting nervous and not just having fun... but it really is a different environment and people do act differently.

That said I do hate the term "internet friends" because it comes with the connotation that they are not "real" friends.

I felt this quite a bit at PAX last weekend. I am horrible with actual names, so being able to associate faces (which I'm good at remembering) with handles that I already know helps a lot. The hardest part for me is the initial introduction (in particular, when I have to introduce myself instead of having someone else introduce me). I am pretty resistant to interrupting someone else to introduce myself, which led to me not actually meeting all of the goodjers at the tabletop area, or say hello & thanks to all the podcasters after their panel. All of those I did meet were great though, and my shyness evaporates soon after the initial introduction is done.

oilypenguin wrote:

Ugh. Who wants to meet someone from the internet?

No good can come of it, I can assure you of that.

Fo' shizzle.

carrotpanic wrote:

Friendconomics

Lol, well played.

My oddest experience has been yet removed from meeting folks in person, but just seeing their images. After playing hundreds of hours of tough, competitive team based games with the same friends, of hearing them over the chat, and joking with them and seeing how smart/quick/annoying/whatever they may or my not be, of arguing over strategy before games and whose fault or credit the loss or win should go to afterward, and then to finally friend them up on Facebook and see.....who is that person?! He/she doesn't look at all like the right body for that voice and mind!

oilypenguin wrote:

Ugh. Who wants to meet someone from the internet?

No good can come of it, I can assure you of that.

He is still jealous of loosing to the dapper rex.

Tonight I will drink out of my PenCon glass won from superior SMB3 play in the House Cup finals in honor of Oily, then.

More people need to drink in honor of me.

Or because I drove them to it. Either way.

I wear a utilikilt because it makes me happy! /pout

Stengah wrote:

I felt this quite a bit at PAX last weekend. I am horrible with actual names, so being able to associate faces (which I'm good at remembering) with handles that I already know helps a lot. The hardest part for me is the initial introduction (in particular, when I have to introduce myself instead of having someone else introduce me). I am pretty resistant to interrupting someone else to introduce myself, which led to me not actually meeting all of the goodjers at the tabletop area, or say hello & thanks to all the podcasters after their panel. All of those I did meet were great though, and my shyness evaporates soon after the initial introduction is done.

Well I'm glad you did introduce yourself because that game of Race For the Galaxy was awesome.

Coldstream wrote:

I wear a utilikilt because it makes me happy! /pout

I feel like I now know you better. So many tf2 moments are now explained to me.

manta173 wrote:

Back when I was dating via Match.com I actually had a date tell me you are different than you were online. Apparently I was getting nervous and not just having fun... but it really is a different environment and people do act differently.

Meeting someone in person is like teenage sex. You should assume it's going to be terrible at first and cut some slack.

Actually, if the person is me, you should assume it's going to be terrible for a while before it gets good. (I leave it to the reader to decide which side of the metaphor I'm referring to.)

I feel the same way about faces + handles as Stengah.

I find it's just way easier, and I'm really sorry to anyone if they'd prefer to be called by their real names in Meatspace. It's just easier to remember "Tangle", "Stengah", "Shop", "Solid", and "Amoebic" than Rob, John, Ryan, Andrew, and Amanda...

Wait - did I just do that? o.0

Nice article.

Especially appreciated by those of us who mis-step from time to time.

This is very post-PAX appropriate Minarchist.

With my college Ultimate Frisbee team we all were assigned nicknames before we could get a jersey. If we stuck around for a whole year, we got to keep the jersey and they sent it back to the print-shop to put the name on the back. My captain for three years called people by nicknames outside of games, but always switched to real names in games and practices. It was a neat way to always know when he was being honest and when he was just goofing around. It also showed that he cared enough to take the time to learn the first names, and nick-names of about 15-20 new co-eds each year. I try to emulate that here and associate both names with a face and avatar in an attempt to try to show that I'm putting in a strong effort to really know everyone.

McIrishJihad wrote:

I feel the same way about faces + handles as Stengah.

I find it's just way easier, and I'm really sorry to anyone if they'd prefer to be called by their real names in Meatspace. It's just easier to remember "Tangle", "Stengah", "Shop", "Solid", and "Amoebic" than Rob, John, Ryan, Andrew, and Amanda...

Wait - did I just do that? o.0

Almost. I'm Jason, not John.

McIrishJihad wrote:

I feel the same way about faces + handles as Stengah.

I find it's just way easier, and I'm really sorry to anyone if they'd prefer to be called by their real names in Meatspace. It's just easier to remember "Tangle", "Stengah", "Shop", "Solid", and "Amoebic" than Rob, John, Ryan, Andrew, and Amanda...

Wait - did I just do that? o.0

Once I know someone's real name, it tends to get meshed in with their handle in my memory, ala "Sean 'Elysium' Sands"

Stengah wrote:
McIrishJihad wrote:

I feel the same way about faces + handles as Stengah.

I find it's just way easier, and I'm really sorry to anyone if they'd prefer to be called by their real names in Meatspace. It's just easier to remember "Tangle", "Stengah", "Shop", "Solid", and "Amoebic" than Rob, John, Ryan, Andrew, and Amanda...

Wait - did I just do that? o.0

Almost. I'm Jason, not John.

So I'd say I got 4.5 out of 5 then

That's actually pretty awesome. I'm lucky if I can remember my own name half the time.

I'm still in transit home from PAX, and my Bluetooth keyboard is being a stupidhead. I will be back to hit this one, but for now I wanted to drop in a +1.

Protip: I don't look anything like my avatar. Great article by the way.

My first internet meetup was back in 2008 or 2009 for a Kingdom of Loathing event in OH. Not only was I nervous as all hell at meeting people I was miserable due to a lingering head cold which made the flight in oh so pleasant. I survived, made a bunch of friends that weekend and went back a few more times in the following years. I find people aren't that much different than their online personas but it varies from person to person. I'm very talkative on forums but I'd put my physical self in the "shy" category especially in the presence of people with more notoriety like the writers and podcasters on this site.

Alcohol certainly helps a bit at meets

McIrishJihad wrote:

I feel the same way about faces + handles as Stengah.

Same here. I can't remember names at all. I remember faces and handles but names elude me constantly. Especially with online meetups because I'm used to recognizing people by their handle.

I also have this strange tendency to assume most people on the Internet are 5-10 years older than I am, which is sometimes awkward at meets.

momgamer wrote:

That's actually pretty awesome. I'm lucky if I can remember my own name half the time. ;)

I actually walked past my wife who was calling my (first) name from the line to the women's bathroom because I thought it was someone calling for a different Jason. Stengah was my nickname through most of high school, so I'm more likely to respond to that than to my actual first name.

Oh look, another reminder I missed Pencon.

I knew there was a reason I bought a bottle of Glenlivet to try out.

S0LIDARITY wrote:

With my college Ultimate Frisbee team we all were assigned nicknames before we could get a jersey. If we stuck around for a whole year, we got to keep the jersey and they sent it back to the print-shop to put the name on the back. My captain for three years called people by nicknames outside of games, but always switched to real names in games and practices. It was a neat way to always know when he was being honest and when he was just goofing around. It also showed that he cared enough to take the time to learn the first names, and nick-names of about 15-20 new co-eds each year. I try to emulate that here and associate both names with a face and avatar in an attempt to try to show that I'm putting in a strong effort to really know everyone.

Similar concept, but not the same thing.

One of the things I wanted to try to stress in this article is that online interactions are fundamentally different than what we're used to in a nickname perspective. Whether consciously or not, we all tend to take on online personas and act in certain ways that we simply wouldn't were we talking to someone across the table from us.

Although the sports idea is somewhat analogous in that you may only see a certain side of a person (the aggressive striker, for instance) and associate that with their nickname, then see a different side of them in a school setting with their real name, it's still at its core a face-to-face interaction. You know them pretty well, and you're just filling in the gaps of your knowledge.

Meeting an online person in real life often leads to a lot more anxiety because we don't really know these people, we haven't seen them before, and in all likelihood we have incorrect assumptions as to what the other is like. It probably doesn't help that internet folk trend a little more introverted on average.

What I wanted to do here was peel the lid back on that so that it made more sense, and so that I can show that it is, in fact, not all that scary. Turning on the light so that you find out the shadow of a monster is really just a coat hanging on a hat rack kind of thing. It's worth doing whatever it takes to conquer those fears and heading out to PAX/S&Ts/what have you, because the vast majority of the time you will have a wonderful experience with wonderful people.

tl;dr: Mikey likes meeting people, and he hates everything!

My internet friendship with SallyNasty taught me that platonic love can exist between a man and a woman.

I have a very distinctive last name, and everyone calls me this. Everyone I work with, everyone I play Ultimate with, everyone I drink with, all my college friends, and even my current roommates.

The only exceptions are my family and a few high school friends. Hilariously, these friends are also my key League of Legends acolytes (and the people who made Squee9 famous).

This can get crazy when I'm playing League with a friend from my home town, an old college roommate, and two GWJ people. It's a slam poem of Josh+Last Name+Squee coming from very different contexts. I like it, but it's crazy.

But yeah it's time for me to meet some of you.

I swear I'm going to make it to one of these bigger events one day. I've gone to a few S&Ts, but no big ones. I'm taking leave next year to go to one of the PAX events, I've suddenly decided.

Two responses.

(1): I had a couple of years of kiltish-hipsterdom, back the early-to-mid-2000s, rocking a Utilikilt before they were cool. Then I sold it on Ebay because (a) every bugger had one, and (b) mine didn't fit anymore anyway.

(2): I met Quintin_Stone once. I had whisky. We ended up getting along fine. Moral of the story - any traumatic experience can be sufficiently lubricated with decent scotch.

I've got good news for you then. PAX East 2014 already has a date set, so make sure you request April 11-13 off.

And the Westin is already sold out?